Feb 13 | ijustneed2talk's Blog

Geez what a weird week so far. I kept the positive feeling I had all weekend with me through Monday. Somehow it all fell apart after the staff meeting monday morning. I went from this great joyous feeling to great pressure in a matter of hours. It got really busy really quickly. I did my best but holy cow!! I made it through the day though and despite the circumstances I had this overwhelming compassion patience and strength that came from somewhere beyond me, thanks God. However, to say the least, by the end of the day I was spent. I hadn't had anything to eat all day and I hadn't sat down until after 7:30 to chart. This rarely happens to me anymore and I do not intend for it happen many more times. It was a runaway train day. 

        I picked up my son at 8:30, who enjoys his grandparents, but my mother who is also a nurse, had a similar day and got home really late. There is only so much HGTV an 11 year old can watch with his grandpa. He's got something going on at school with friends that he only partially discloses. It concerns me but I know this is something he has to go through and figure out on his own. I don't pry but encourage him to talk and I dont react, I just listen. 

     So I went home. It took me awhile to unwind but finally slept like I'd died. I woke up physically sore and tired but awake and clear, ready for my busy day off. I had scheduled home inspections for the house. I ran the treadmill, showered and packed my bag of stuff for the day before 7:30. Then, the rain started and there were reports of snow. Nothing else worked out for the day quite like i had planned. The rain poured and soon forced a reschedule of inspections, my trip to Starbucks to get organized were thwarted by the influx of sudden coffee drinkers due to the weather. So I headed to my dads and watched as the rain changed to giant snowflakes. I was forced me to sit down for a sec. I really accomplished nothing yesterday except I was able to make cookies for my daughters ministry. She was very happy about this. I hope I don't make the poor recipients of these cookies sick. 

       One terrible thing happened yesterday. Ex started in on me again and showed up as I was picking up my son from school. He keeps asking the same questions, still insistent on us getting back together. What exactly does it take for one to move on?

One thing I know without a doubt, anytime he is near it leaves me unsettled and disturbed. Yes we had happy times that got me through many terrible times but eventually thats not enough. It pisses me off that he trivializes the reasons I left as "normal things every couple goes through" . His constant questions and pushing and pressure and badgering me does nothing to convince me that he's changed or that things will be different. Also his disregard to our son when he gets like this. Doesn't he realize he's only proving to our son that it's terrible for us to be together? 

      Something occurred to me this morning. I realized I am no longer the victim but I am the one inflicting the pain. It's not necessarily a good feeling either. It's difficult to describe properly. I feel bad about what he's going through but not THAT bad. Certainly not bad enough to make it at the expense of myself.