how? | ijustneed2talk's Blog

how do you break it off with a person you've been with for so many years? I've tried, we've been divorced since last june! 5 days before our 23rd anniversary. I served him papers while he was in the hospital, did that not speak volumes to him!?  I tried doing the couples counseling. I tried "dating". It's too hard doing the back and forth thing so I cancelled our therapy last week after he showed his old self again. I can't go back and forth it's not fair to him or me. I can't have him playing the kids and i against each other. i can't hear him say how much he wants us to be a family and then disown our daughter the next day. I will not take the sole blame he likes to dole out for breaking up our family. He asked just a little bit ago "so you don't want to be a family anymore. that's fine. I will just tell the kids that what you said" 

why would someone do that? He wants me to take back the fact that I don't want to be with him. When we are together i feel physically ill. I am not comfortable. My throat gets tight, my eyes burn, i feel like screaming.i'm tense and my neck hurts. I 'm jittery and very quiet when he is around. I can't assemble thoughts. I just want to retreat. I feel so much better without him being around confusing me. 

he says he's never giving up. Not in a threatening way, just in a defeated sort of way. 
on paper it sounds romantic, in real life it's depressing

This Blog Entry's Comment Board (3 comments)
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Posted on 10:43AM on Jan 21st, 2013
That is a sad situation. I also have my brother who recently divorced with three children. Really sad. We can not really recommend anything to a person in this situation. It is a pity that children are still being held hostage ... I can only send you compatire and positive emotions. Be brave, sometimes it is better that the separation is firm than dragging things out and accumulate suffering for years.
Receive my deepest sympathy!
Posted on 01:36PM on Jan 21st, 2013
If you want a divorce then you want a divorce. He will probably always resent you for that, but that will be HIS issue.

Perhaps you can appeal to his higher self and say, "Yes, I don't want to be part of a family with you any more. But the responsible thing to do is to tell the kids in a way that doesn't put them in the middle of our conflict. I would never tell them what a (terrible husband) I think you are, and you shouldn't tell them what you think of me as a wife. When each of us speak to the kids about the other, it should be about how 'Daddy loves you and is a great Daddy' and visa-versa. We need to sit down together with the children and tell them together that we are getting divorced, not put the blame on either one of us, but describe to them how their life is going to change. Can you do that -- not for me -- but for them?"
Posted on 07:47PM on Jan 21st, 2013
Ok I know this is confusing but I am already divorced and our two oldest are 18 and 21. The youngest is our son who is 11. Ex had no sense of keeping it nice in front of him and constantine threatens me saying things like "your parents are alcoholics" "our son will pick who he wants to live with when he is old enough and he's not going to pick you" just so many things that he just makes up . I used to get scared. What he thinks and says no longer matters I think its just how I've been conditioned over the years. Slowly but surely I'm breaking the habit.
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