Tying up loose ends | ijustneed2talk's Blog

As part of tidying up loose ends for the year, i went to close out an account at a bank I've been a member of since I was a kid. It used to be my main account where my checks were direct Deposited to when I was married. When I first separated from my ex husband last year I kept it open and his checks were also deposited there. We had agreed that I would pay out bills out of this account until we figured things out and he could take the other small account where we attempted to save money but usually spent it on things to have fun. This worked out for about 2 weeks and then he withdrew a bunch of $$ leaving me scrambling to make our house payment. I quickly opened up my own account and only used this one because our life insurances auto withdrew from here. So like a fool I've been paying his life insurance until yesterday. I was the beneficiary but it was really senseless and really time to just move on. 

So yesterday as I left the bank for the last time I had memories of the times we were there together conducting one sort of business or the other. Car loans (oh we loved buying cars) and deposits and withdrawals. We were simply a young couple just trying to make ends meet one way or the other. I got $41.41 for all my troubles. My son said "is that all?"
My feelings exactly. I actually think that's the amount i took to open the account . We are going today to open his first savings account. 

I really think this is the last detail financially left to handle to separate us. He is no longer the beneficiary on my policy. Wished it was as simple to get him out of my head. It's not that I want him back but old habits die hard. It's easy to be softened up or feel guilty about how I left. Then again I'm certain there will be another slap of reality pretty soon when it comes time to file taxes. We are alternating years claiming our son as a deduction. I'm just waiting for my w2 to be available and file first. It's my year but I wouldn't put it past him to "accidentally" claim him and force me to get the lawyer involved (more $$$-i hate paying him). I have to be careful. I called the mortgage company to update the address so I would get the tax statement and that fucker had changed it to his parents address after I sold the house back in June even though he contributed $0.00 to paying the mortgage last year. He says he wants me back and then pulls shit like this!! 

I am ready to move on with my life WITHOUT him but then I look at my little boy who is no longer so little. I wonder what I've done. What will he think? What does he think? He really seems okay with it all. I'm certain time will reveal how this has truly affected him. I struggled through with ex for too many unhappy years .  I put a happy face on it but my daughters saw the problems and it really didn't do them any favors. They are so happy I left. They are also very distrusting of men and haven't sustained a relationship past a couple of months . No need for that right now though and better for them to focus on acting like very young adults and figuring out themselves and their lives first before getting seriously involved with someone. 

I realize now my errors. I find myself doing some things now at 43 that I should've been doing at 21. Instead of raising a kid, finishing school and starting a career at the same time I should've been having fun, figuring out what I like and don't like. Experience how to relate to people as friends, socially and sexually. I don't have regrets, I know it sounds that way but I do acknowledge a bit of what went wrong. I was in such a hurry to be a grown up and I finally felt like one when I had 2 kids 2 car payments 2 mortgages and 2 dogs at age 27. 

So now at 43 -divorced -3 kids- one car payment(and the ghosts of 2 cars past rolled into my current loan) -no mortgage -and trying to balance my own fiscal cliff, I realize I don't know what I like. I ran across a getting to know your partner quiz and I found that  not only could I not answer the questions about my former spouse but I couldn't even answer the questions for myself.