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ijustneed2talk's Blog


my vortex experience

I am certain I won't do it justice, but I had one in Septembr. I went to Sedona with my mom. Not my first choice, but man it was really cool. Everything happens for a reason. For real. I had the best time with my mom. The trip was not as I planned but it was better than I could have imagined. I get along well with my mom. Who Knows how long I have with her so it was a wonderful time.

The drive was really nice. I wasn't sure how it would be to be in the car with my mother for as long as it took but it turns out we travel well together. It was fun to see my stressed out mom relax when she had no one to worry about. It was cool to be able to be calm myself and watch her stress melt away.

We started our trip kinda stressed out. We had massages scheduled upon arrival to town but stayed one night in Albuquerque. We saw an ad to take the tram up the mountain at Sandia Peak. I'm so happy we did. What a fun thing to see! I was fascinated by the appeal of cactus and succulents. The changing rocks as we headed further west. Our view of mountains, sunrise and sunsets was simply beginning.

I have a challenge I want to go back and attempt. We encountered a group of athletes who ran up the mountain and took the tram down. I immediately thought of my daughter! We took the easy way up. The view was spectacular! I even was flirted with! This young man came over as I was looking out at the top and he offered me his binoculars. I am so awkward I didn't know what to do except accept them. He was there with his mom too. He was nice looking but very formal and called me "ma'am". He was just being nice and I had plans to keep.

We headed further west and realized we might not make our massages. Oh brother! Happy day though we called and the lady that was doing our massages was in appropriate measure very reassuring. She calmly talked me down as I drove and figured out that we would make it in time as Sedona was in Pacific time. I love Pacific time. Yay! It was the best massage I ever had!

Our trip was amazing. The rocks and scenery were more than I expected. What I really wanted was a great sunrise view. Our hotel had a trail and I set out early one morning. It acclimated me to the hike thing but it wasn't quite what I expected. It was a great way to start out figuring my way along the trail.

After a couple of pieces of advice, i found a vortex spot where I would view a wonderful sunrise. It was near the small airport. I got up early and sat with the expectant few. It wasn't the greatest view but it was beautiful as the sun lit up the valley below and the tall striated rocks in the distance. It was quite a site to see. Just when i thought it couldn't get any better, hot air balloons started to take off out of the valley below. It was really something.

So, it was a great thing to view however, i really wanted to experience the vortex. i saw the place and parked but I wasn't certain of what to do. I started off on the airport trail. It was a little scary and I had no idea of how long it ran. I wasn't prepared. No water and it was cool when I started but i knew the day would get much warmer soon. I headed in the direction I thought it would be but when i looked down at the sharp drop down the mountain I got scared. I got a much welcomed call at that point from a good friend. I sat and talked with him and took stock of my surroundings. I knew I was in over my head. So I turned back and was intrigued by the close interesting surroundings of the trail in the other direction. I also noticed others taking a similar path. I could see the top and knew it was my destination. It seemed easy at first but I quickly reached a point that scared me. I could climb up but i knew that I would never make it back down. I quickly abandoned that path. I sat and rested and thought about it. I decided maybe I would have to be content with the current view. It slightly annoyed me but I became quickly peaceful with my surroundings. I enjoyed the view. I looked carefully. I felt centered. It was at that point that I reconsidered going up and then I saw the way around. I decided at that point to see what was around the other path. I found my way eventually. I have to admit I watched other people do it but I followed and found my own unique way up to the top. It was a 360 view, well kind of. I could see out around all the way except there was this small area that I felt like was in my way. It was hard not to want to take pictures. my cell phone at the time was simple and hardly captured what my minds eye was viewing. my camera wasn't much better. I had to force myself to take it all in without the help of a camera because it was just frustrating at how inadequate those devices captured the scenery. I tried to relax and just enjoy it. I tried to memorize all the scenery around me. I prayed and tried to feel the vortex experience. I chalked it up as crap. I don't need a vortex to experience Christ but I am a spiritual person and by golly I was going to get this experience! My inner self chuckled and realized I couldnt' force it. I took note of what was around me. Stacks of rocks that looked really cool, manmade but kinda neat. I could see evidence of a harsh summer in the burn marks on the succulents around me. I knew the mountains and rocks in the distance had names and vowed to learn them. I knew I would come back here and if it's in my control I will revisit this place on my way from earth to heaven when I die. I vowed to climb these places. I was aware of being warm but noticed the pregnant lady working out her way to the top. there were two asian girls at the top taking pictures. There was one lady sitting Indian style piling up rocks at the center of the top. There was a shirtless man with a pony tail and his wife and son taking pictures and taking it all in. I looked around and felt a bit alone but it's kind of an experience you have to have alone. I was proud that I figured my way up but it felt a wee bit safe which was fine with me but i wondered what it would take to do more.

I noticed more people coming up and realized when they got to a certain point they would giggle. I couldn't imagine what would make them laugh. All kinds of people made their way up and at a certain point giggled. I thought this was interesting and couldn't figure it out.

My daughter pointed out that it was so obvious what the whole experience symbolized. she noticed that I was trying to find my way and mostly made it but still it seemed that there was something in the way of having the whole experience.

On my way down the vortex I noticed what everyone was giggling about. There was a used condom right there on the rocks at the top of the vortex.

I wonder what could be getting in the way of realizing my full potential?

number 95

I have so much more to say on the subject but September took me to many different places. I love to travel but it's been just an out of reach dream for awhile. 
I took an amazing trip with my mother to Sedona, Arizona. I have so much to say about that. I had an amazing massage and climbed the red rocks. I saw some amazing sights and I had a vortex experience and I didn't even know it until I talked to my daughter about my hike. More than anything I realized how much I love my mom. We really do enjoy each others company and get along very well. I am enjoying her friendship and her mom-ness even more now that I'm an adult. 

I also had a little unexpected experience. There is so much I have to say about that too. For four days I experienced love like I have never known. It was amazing. I'm curious what the future holds. The journey is fun. I am so thankful for the experience. 





i hate him i hate him i hate him

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More schtuff

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The heart of the matter...

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shopping trip, i felt like a rock star

It's been awhile since I've felt like shopping. After I left my husband in 2011, life was scary. Money was tight of course but i have a decent job. at the time, I had to pay for everything we had been doing on two incomes with only one and pay an effing lawyer. I got creative, I made some mistakes but I managed to make ends meet. 

I did all the shopping with my husband when I was married. We spent very little time apart. It was actually pretty nice to have his company. However, after awhile it felt very controlling like I couldn't go anywhere by myself. I had a really negative shopping trip one weekend for school clothes with my daughters. It started out really fun, just me and the girls. About 30 minutes into it, I couldn't focus on helping the kids pick out things because he kept calling the cell phone asking why we weren't finished, when would we be home. How much was i spending, what were they getting. after a couple hours we finished up and my oldest daughter started to show her dad all her clothes and he blew up. This did two things, it completely made me feel like i was incapable of shopping for my kids and my daughters never asked for any clothing ever again. seriously anytime i would offer to get them something they just refused nicely.  I can hardly set foot in a mall without just walking right back out. I never felt like going to a store without him ever again. 

Well, after I left him, this made life a little difficult because, well you need to get stuff. I was pinching pennies after all so I really hesitated anytime I had to go to any store. The grocery store was the worst. We spent so much time effort and income there. It was all so defeating, so depressing, so useless. I would just push my cart down the aisles and cry. It was better if the kids were with me but i would send them to get something and just cry until they came back. I'm sure if anyone noticed they thought I was crazy. but no one ever asked. i'm glad they didn't. 

There is a happy turn to this blog entry. A couple weeks ago after a quiet lazy day, I set out to get a pair of shoes for work. Just a simple pair of running shoes or something. My daughter is an employee at the NIKE outlet and I get a discount, so i thought i'd go out there. usually i just go in get shoes and leave but i was feeling different. I thought i needed a purse too. i made a budget and left. It was late in the after noon like 5 ish. 

I was greeted by my daughter in usual fashion. She had one of those earpieces on her and a big smile. She hugged me and kissed me and escorted me through the store. Then my other daughters best friend works there too and she hugged me and checked out what I had in my hand and said."mom, that's combat wear, i don't think you'll like that, you should get this one it fits better." Then they both helped me and kept suggesting things. soon the nice young man that greets people at the door comes over and says "everyone is hugging you, i'm gonna give you a hug too" okay I felt like a celebrity. I went back to the shoes and tried on about 20 pairs. The girls left me because they had to work but about every five minutes one of the employees would check on me and say very nice things. I didn't get shoes, I just couldn't find any. I did buy a tshirt and a pair of running pants. The girls were really excited that everything was a size smaller. 

I left the store with a big smile on my face but I still didn't have shoes. I was about ready to head to my car but I thought that i'd check out a couple more stores. I wasn't planning on buying a dress but as I passed a shop they were having a sidewalk sale. I started gathering a few things I was interested in and the sales lady outside asked if she could start a dressing room for me. I agreed and continued to shop. When I stepped into the dressing room I was surprised first that I didn't have to track anyone down but then the dressing room was beautiful with a chandelier in the middle of the room. It was all pink and girly and each dressing room had a couch thingy in it. the best part was my name was posted above it. I was really feeling special. I got 2 dresses, half price, a great deal on hose and a cute pair of capri's and a shirt to go with it. I felt like a rock star. 

Next was  a new lingerie store i wanted to try out. I was on a roll after all, and I was freaking A list at this mall. I walk in and was greeted immediately by a cute sales lady about my age and I asked her if I could be sized. Doesn't matter the name of the store, if you are looking for a bra the experience will be much better if you ask to be sized. I have recently lost a good 10 pounds or more and was super curious about my change in bra size. Plus the "girls" need adequate support and my larger bras were a little loose. This woman was so helpful told me all about the styles and types. I ended up with this bra that has 3 zones of support and another with side slimming support. They are pretty and supportive. I also got these beautiful panties. There were several to choose from and my sales lady knew where every thing was in the store. There was everything from thongs to grannie panties(they call them modern briefs) but the most impressive was the one's that don't move. There were some that slimmed the tummy, there were some that were no show but i choose the ones with the special cooling fabric. The best part is in candle light I look damn sexy in my bra and panties. 

I decided I should probably get some dress shoes and I received excellent service at the shoe store from a lady with a giant orange flower in her hair and a tank style maxi dress. I tried on about 30 pair of shoes there as well. I kept looking at my dresses one is blue one is a reddish orange. I decided on a pair of nude heels. My legs are awful so in no scenario will i ever go without hose.  I eliminated anything sandal or with an open toe. It didn't stop me from trying them on though. 

I called my mom because I was supposed to go over there after I finished shopping but my trip turned into a few hours. She was excited for me. She asked if I found any shoes for work or a purse. I was literally saying no I haven't found a purse when I turn the corner and this store that sells leather products was having a sidewalk sale on purses. I knew they were closing soon but the guys inside told me not to worry about it. I found one almost immediately. As I was checking out, the cashier recognized my last name and we figured out the connection. He was tons younger than me but I was at his sisters wedding many years ago and we were sort of related by marriage but now i'm not married so I guess not really. It's good i don't get customer service like this all the time. I would be terribly in debt. 

What a special trip. i didn't go too far off budget. Damn i still need some work shoes. I just washed the ones I already have and will buy them on the next trip.



test time

Overall, it's been a very quiet weekend. I went and ate breakfast with my parents and my younger daughter. I didn't go to church for no good reason. I just feel like staying in. It's very quiet in the house. I've finally paid for myself to take a certification exam I should already have(like 10 years ago). Everyone says it's an easy test and I get a serious bonus twice a year just for having it. I paid for it and I'll set a test date sometime in the next 3 months.
It's so weird, and maybe it's different for you but since the divorce each time I do something on my own that I usually did with my ex, I get this mixture of confusing emotions. I've wanted to take this exam so many times. They advertise at work and used to offer the review course there and I never went. Ex and I discussed this and he always dismissed the idea, said it wasn't anything I needed to do. It must sound like such an unimportant issue but right now, after I took the next step and paid for it, i just got this tight feeling in my throat. I should be really happy about it and I am. I also get a great feeling out of overcoming something I never thought i could do without him. It's just a mixture of emotions. I know...it's strange. So many fights, so many unimportant battles... things were not always terrible and the really bad stuff I've set aside. I'm left with the good stuff and he's cleaned up his act for the most part and yet there is protective part of me that says "don't touch that!"
As far as the test goes, it's easy. There's a much more difficult one to conquer next but first things first. I haven't taken serious test worth something in many years. i do have to keep up my license and continuing ed but nothing that has a price riding on it. It is enough for me to overcome test anxiety, which i don't have a terrible time with but it has been awhile, and just overcoming my general doubts about myself. So when I would finally bite the bullet and get myself geared up to start studying, ex would truly discourage it. It's $295 but I will get $1500 in return. If I fail its another $100 to retest and it looks really bad, i do have 20 years of experience. So all of that I will just risk because the benefit is I'll have a certification, and money. If your spouse said hey I need accomplish something, wouldn't it be in your best interest to encourage and assist them? I never understood that. It's in the past and that's were I will leave it after writing this.

shocked...but then again...not really that surprised

I've spent the day with grieving people and have been grieving. My sister in law died last night. She leaves behind 2 children almost grown. My niece is 14 and found her. She does not remember a time when her mother could walk. Her son, is 20 and just got his drivers license. He is shocked and angry and confused.
It will soon be 15 years since her car accident that left her paralyzed from T12 and below. One could argue that her life ended that day.
She took a lot of medicine for pain and had many surgeries. Everyone tried to help her but it's useless if you don't want to help yourself.
I am sad and conflicted. There is comfort in knowing that this woman who struggled every single day of her life is no longer in pain and exists in a place our human minds can not comprehend. She was a sweet person but you really didn't want to get on her bad side. she preferred to be drugged and asleep and that was hard to be around. Maybe she didn't prefer it but every day was such a struggle, you can't really blame her.
When someone dies, it's a terrible thing but it's good to all come together and to see how many people you actually have available to help you through the hard times.
I think...I'm gonna try to reach out and allow myself to be reached before the next person dies.

indulge me

Have you ever walked across the street, not looked both ways just to see what would happen? When i feel like this, i try to make sure that i take Gracie the dog with me. I may not care much about my life, but i'd be a real selfish bitch if i let anything happen to her.

So, i thought "why do i feel this way"? I have a great life. So many people have nothing. It's been ripped away by terrible storms. they are happy to be together and alive despite not having a home. i have a job, although i have now not worked in 5 days. i've isolated myself for too many days. I made myself get out for a little bit.

i;ve considered what it might look like if ex and i got back together. It would be helpful financially. I'd have a partner to be intimate with. I could pretend he's a handsome stranger and not have to worry about time or disease. He would have to go to my church and be nice to my parents. He could not have access to my phone and use his own laptop. He could not ask me any questions about the time we were apart. he would have to help me with the bills. i couldn't be on EP or keep my friends. I can't imagine smiling if he lived with me. i'd feel like i had someone to share all the pressures with and maybe stop obsessing over every kilowatt hour of electricity used. He'd bring a nice tv and stereo and probably be able to figure out my surround sound home system. He got all the good AV stuff in the divorce. It wouldn't be awful , there are worse things. A trade off. He could do the lawn and kill bugs. I've worked so hard to be away from him. Why even consider it? I would lose myself but our son would have a stable place to live and a family.

I read a story today on here about a couple who became intimate again and their autistic son really responded happily to it. It was a happy story. inspiring even.

I think i've just had too much time on my hands. No wonder i didn't want to look tonight when i crossed the street. So many people need things in this town. It's time to get back to work and get out there and help someone with real needs. stop feeling sorry for myself. It could be so much worse.

I shouldn't write tonight

I should be asleep I have to work in the morning. I was at the dentist today and it was a few hundred feet away from tornado damage. The Walmart neighborhood market is set up as a mini resource center that's within walking distance for people with damaged homes. I've completely avoided that area and even rerouted my trip to the dentist so I wouldn't have to see the worst of it.
I have tons of close personal family stories that place them in the areas damaged within an hour or less of the tornado obliterating the area. My daughter was shopping just an hour before it hit. I texted her and told her to pay attention to the weather and to head home just before it came through.
It's overwhelming but has really thrown a monkey wrench into my pity party.
I was reading an old blog entry about goals I had. I was apparently feeling really ambitious and energetic. I was starting to feel defeated about failure to accomplish much of the list when I remembered being at the dentist. He told me its come very close to his home 3 times and was within 500 feet of his business. When I see people I haven't seen in awhile I'm so happy to see them. I can't help but realize that no matter what goals I make for myself things happen that are completely out of my control and will change my goals. So I stopped feeling so miserable. There are so many people around me in major crisis and they are simply happy to be alive.

Its a perspective reboot.

Tonight's thoughts are random, confused, and infused with "juice".

I should go to sleep

Good night

Let's Go Thunder!!!

Playoff time! I have so many very good memories. I lost the season tickets after I broke my hip but I have the fondest memories of going to the Thunder's very first playoff game against the Lakers. We didn't have a chance and knew it but everyone showed up and it was louder than ever if that was even possible. Everyone smiled more, cheered more, and drank more. It was one of the most fun things I've done. I'm still watching and cheering but from my comfy free seat at home. Russell Westbrook has played every game since the Thunder franchise began and hasn't missed playing in a game for over 400 games. He's hurt and it looks like he won't play the rest of the season.
It's a sad turn of events but I'm certain that other players will step up and they have a good chance of making it to the Finals. Russell will certainly be missed.

I'm not sure what the weather is like everywhere else but it's anything but boring here. I predicted the sun would come out yesterday around sunset and I was right. I should've been a meteorologist. I would NEVER take that job here, it's too unpredictable. I love today, cloudy a little wet and a mild breeze with a chill in the air. It was perfect weather to get out for a run.

I only walked today. i'm doing a runkeeper app to improve my 5K time so I will be able actually run the whole time instead of jog/walk. I'm slowly improving and yesterday my best ever 30 minutes for 2.5 miles!! I know it's slow but it felt pretty good. So today was an easy 50 minute walk with Gracie the dog. She needed it just as much as I did. My mood was elevated and I took good deep breaths and enjoyed listening to my ipod. I enjoyed every single song, it was just one of those days when everything i listened to sounded good.

I've had off since Thursday and for the first time feel relaxed. I don't feel rushed to do anything and I'm slowly but surely getting things organized in my new home. Far from finished but I'm taking it a piece at a time. I'm trying to pay attention and enjoy the ride. :)

I took care of my Grandma after she had a surgery on Thursday. It was a quick minor thing on her arm but she stayed at my house and was able to stay comfy and recoup. My mother had taken off work to help take care of her but ended up being really sick with a toothache and looked worse than grandma. It forced me to chill out a little bit and I had a great visit with my grandma. We were watching the Today show yesterday morning and Willard Scott was announcing all the 100 year old bdays. My Grandma said to me, "just think, in 19 short years that could be me!" I'm sure she'll outlive us all. She got up the day after her surgery and fixed her hair and put on make up and convinced my mom she could drive herself home. She stopped along the way and bought some flowers to plant on the way home. Did I mention she has a splint that goes from her wrist to her elbow? No worries! All her fingers have full mobility above the splint. Nothing will slow her down.

overwhelmed

I miss EP...not sure if it misses me but today I'm overwhelmed, so I will escape here for a little bit. There are way too many things going on at the same time in my life, but it's good. I'd much rather be busy than have tons of idle time on my hands. I am attempting at getting financially fit and physically fit. I am constantly struggling with being emotionally and spiritually fit but that's a journey and it's manageable as long as I remember to keep in touch with God. And then there's that other thing...I should probably find a boyfriend, I am sort of lonely. The thing in a box under my bed provides a great release but it would be nice to have a guy come around every once in awhile.

Yesterday I was exhausted and called in sick. My intention was to take my daughter to breakfast before she headed back to school and maybe get my garage cleaned up and study for a class I have coming up. Instead, I napped...well...all day. I read a little bit and watched a movie with my daughter. The weather was so nice it would have been great to go jog, but i did call in sick after all. i suppose i needed rest.

Today, it's really cold and has been pouring down rain all morning. I have a moat around my house it seems, but good news, no standing water right up against it. Oh man...so the reason I'm so busy is I am all moved in. It truly feels like home but there is still so much to do. I tend to look at it all at the same time and feel defeated very quickly(probably contributed to my daylong nap yesterday). I also get distracted pretty quickly so there are several partially finished things. This morning I'm refreshed and ready for the day. I almost retreated to nap time again but instead made a list of everything to do room by room and can now think about it more clearly in little pieces.

I really do love it here and feel very blessed. Gracie the dog loves being across the street from the track and we've already gone for several trips. It's lovely. There is still a lot of work, but It's good to be busy. :)

Spring is springing soon and i will eventually dishevel all of the dishevelment around me. :) Happy Spring everyone!!

I have 2 experiences I wish to share

I will only share one today because it is the one on my mind the  most. The second is always on my mind too and more fun. 
I think i've shared that my son is 11. He's been smack in the middle of this whole divorce thing. I've tried my best to remain neutral around him, not pressure him, not speak poorly of his dad. I find it really irritating that ex has chosen to clean up his act. I should be happy and supportive and stand by my man, but I spent too many years as his enabler and when I decided to remove myself from the merry go round well let me just say I had my share of spinning in circles and no longer wish to get back on. Ex is really good at talking people into doing things they want to do but mostly he is persistent. I am glad he's cleaned up his act and decided to be a father. It angers me that he chose to do this after i left. I've talked to enough men that were raised by single mom's to know that they would have appreciated a man in their life to teach them "man" things. I cannot show him how to drill holes, or electrical wiring, i cannot appreciate cars the way he does and I can only give him the female perspective on sex, important yes but not necessarily something you want to discuss with your mom. There are things i can do that he needs, love support affection, teach him how women should be treated, how not to be racist, how to do the right thing. My point is he needs both of us.

Ex keeps saying that 'I chose this" well no i really didn't. I would have preferred for him to clean up his act and not be such an ahole to me before i left. I tried to make our marriage work after my "affair" but he never forgave me and never let me forget what a whore I am. Nothing I did was good enough., He chose not to forgive me, he chose to take pills, he chose to abuse me, and what i did chose was not to be abused anymore and for our kids to not see our toxic behavior displayed as normal family problems. 

He is not a bad person. He's cleaned up he has a cute house and a cute dog and my sons room is fixed up perfect. I will close on my house on friday and i have Gracie the dog, my friend and companion. He is still convincing and persistent and has nothing to lose and a lawyer on retainer. My son is excited about me getting a house. However, he told me last night that he wants to live with his dad. He started to cry and I just held him and told him it was okay. I thanked him for being honest and told him that there would never be anything he could do that would make me stop loving him. I think he's being pressured by his dad to make a decision and I question how reasonable it is to allow an 11 year old to decide such things. So I just try to stay calm, put this in Gods hands and prepare as best as I can. 

Well yesterday I think i mentioned faith and praising God no matter the circumstances. Here I am being put to the test. God already knows the outcome, and there is a great deal of comfort in that. I know He is in control and will give me what I need when i need it. I do have faith. i would be lying if i said i wasn't sad that i wasn't chosen. I hope that time will show my son why i can't be with his dad anymore. I hope my son doesn't believe the lies that are told him by his dad and family. His sisters will tell him one day what it's all about. Maybe he will ask, maybe not until my funeral. I'm not sure. 

I am not taking this lying down. i'm just gonna stay calm for now. I really really really do not want to pay another lawyer another dime!!!!!!!1


Okay the next story will be much better and on a WAY different note than this one. I'm just feeling a little too rejected at the moment. mer.....



happy st pats!!! or life is good

Life is good...life is busy. I ran my first 5k on sunday in a ST. pats themed race around a nice area of town. It was sooo cold and windy, today would've been a better day for the run. The wind was killer, the hills were kinda fun, the view was city sites, but really neat. I find it really cool to run around places that I usually have to drive.  I am still slow but it was 2 years ago today that I last participated in a run and that one ended not so great. My hip fell apart and something else changed inside me too since introducing the presence of three stainless steel screws into my left femoral neck. I am lonely but not really alone. I realized about a month into my recovery that i was already doing so many things by myself that I didn't need to put up with the bullshit anymore. There are parts of me that feel tons of shame and guilt. I don't feel worthy of all the blessings around me. I know that's crap. I fight feeling this way. There have been so many changes in my life in the past six months and just as I was settling down, things are in chaos once again, but now in a very good way. It surprises me how things come together when you are least expecting it. I am more surprised at  how many feelings one person can experience all at the same time. I am moving and also, the biggest challenge yet, I am truly moving on. I am ready to take whatever challenges life gives me, by myself. I am excited about living life. I am acutely aware that I am not truly ever alone. There is a higher power at work for my good. (Romans 8:28). I am glad that He is because I just mess it all up anyways.
So I continue onward, ready and not ready for this big move. I ran the race and did all right, and for all my hard work I got a green beer and a banana at the end. Ahhh...life is good.

here i am again

Here i am again, writing about a day that didn't go as planned. I finally just stayed in. The uncertainty of the weather here breaks monotony but can be annoying. I do believe I made the most of the morning. Hopefully the west blizzards stay out there and it was all just a loud false alarm.( Terribly disruptive but a drill is always much preferable than an actual disaster...duh). 

Ive been doing a lot of planning and writing it down. It feels like too much talk and not enough action. I'm told it's effective and for all my hard work in the past I haven't really got much to show for it. 

Good news:

My mom turned 65 this weekend. To celebrate, my grandmother, took us to a very nice steak restaurant. My son got to go too. We had a 7pm reservation. What a treat! I felt like a queen and my mother was very happy with the whole thing. My grandmother is a bit of a foodie and has been to many places twice as nice as this one but even she was impressed with the place. My grandmother has provided me with a handful of eclectic dining experiences but it has been quite some time since I'd been treated by her. I had almost forgotten, it has been since I was my sons age that I had eaten this fine with her. Nice wine, two waiters, a lobster appetizer in a cute little dish, a salad that was a flavorful vacation, and a wonderful cut of steak done perfectly (it was just the right temperature hot enough to make your mouth uncomfortable but not to burn), even my sons steak fries were not your local bar's steak fries. For after dinner, we had creme brulee and coffees. My grandmother had cavasier (which made me giggle thinking of the SNL guy Leon Phelps as the Ladies man) and was served in an impressive glass and my grandmother said it was VERY alcoholic. My grandmother is a lovely woman, very elegant and dainty but that woman has had her share of alcohol in her life and if she thought it was strong, i didn't dare sniff it for fear of severe intoxication.
Our table was standard but there were these little round, intimate tables in a cove like setting. It would be a perfect special date night. The lighting was perfect. There are plenty of hotels nearby too to have a complete romantic evening. 
I had fun watching my son experience this for the first time. I had to argue with him to put on jeans and a nice Nike jacket. When we got there however he said, "I think I needed to rent a tuxedo to come to this place!" He made me proud, opening the doors for his grandmothers, tasting everything at the table, and not complaining when he didn't like his $20 chicken(the least expensive thing on the menu). He just ate some of it and pleasantly talked to all of us. The funniest thing was when he went to the bathroom. He came back and quietly said, " The urinals have a tv screen over them! This place is very nice!" He was so pleasant and gentlemanly. He stood up taller, didn't slouch and his chest was puffed out. He wasn't boisterous or fidgety. Everything was nice. The bill?I'm glad it wasn't on me.

Feb 13

Geez what a weird week so far. I kept the positive feeling I had all weekend with me through Monday. Somehow it all fell apart after the staff meeting monday morning. I went from this great joyous feeling to great pressure in a matter of hours. It got really busy really quickly. I did my best but holy cow!! I made it through the day though and despite the circumstances I had this overwhelming compassion patience and strength that came from somewhere beyond me, thanks God. However, to say the least, by the end of the day I was spent. I hadn't had anything to eat all day and I hadn't sat down until after 7:30 to chart. This rarely happens to me anymore and I do not intend for it happen many more times. It was a runaway train day. 

        I picked up my son at 8:30, who enjoys his grandparents, but my mother who is also a nurse, had a similar day and got home really late. There is only so much HGTV an 11 year old can watch with his grandpa. He's got something going on at school with friends that he only partially discloses. It concerns me but I know this is something he has to go through and figure out on his own. I don't pry but encourage him to talk and I dont react, I just listen. 

     So I went home. It took me awhile to unwind but finally slept like I'd died. I woke up physically sore and tired but awake and clear, ready for my busy day off. I had scheduled home inspections for the house. I ran the treadmill, showered and packed my bag of stuff for the day before 7:30. Then, the rain started and there were reports of snow. Nothing else worked out for the day quite like i had planned. The rain poured and soon forced a reschedule of inspections, my trip to Starbucks to get organized were thwarted by the influx of sudden coffee drinkers due to the weather. So I headed to my dads and watched as the rain changed to giant snowflakes. I was forced me to sit down for a sec. I really accomplished nothing yesterday except I was able to make cookies for my daughters ministry. She was very happy about this. I hope I don't make the poor recipients of these cookies sick. 

       One terrible thing happened yesterday. Ex started in on me again and showed up as I was picking up my son from school. He keeps asking the same questions, still insistent on us getting back together. What exactly does it take for one to move on?

One thing I know without a doubt, anytime he is near it leaves me unsettled and disturbed. Yes we had happy times that got me through many terrible times but eventually thats not enough. It pisses me off that he trivializes the reasons I left as "normal things every couple goes through" . His constant questions and pushing and pressure and badgering me does nothing to convince me that he's changed or that things will be different. Also his disregard to our son when he gets like this. Doesn't he realize he's only proving to our son that it's terrible for us to be together? 

      Something occurred to me this morning. I realized I am no longer the victim but I am the one inflicting the pain. It's not necessarily a good feeling either. It's difficult to describe properly. I feel bad about what he's going through but not THAT bad. Certainly not bad enough to make it at the expense of myself. 

accomplishments?

After having most of the week off I am having trouble getting motivated after only one day of work

Yay first whole weekend off in a long time
meh... my last weekend bonus paycheck and it has OT on it. oh well i was blowing it all anyways
yay...tax refund pending .....anticipation
meh...it took me forever to figure out bills and get them paid
yay...i have plenty of money
meh...I have to buy groceries...the kids expect to eat
yay....my son comes home today

I'm looking at house in a couple of hours. I'm not sure why but it doesn't take long and I'll be in the area.


Maybe I'm a little scared

This sticking to not getting back together is what I want but it's a wee bit scary. I understand now why I just wanted to keep it friendly. I still dont mind keeping it friendly but I am SO over doing things to pacify him. He is hardly pacified tonight . He as pulled out all the old standbys"your family is just a bunch of bipolar alcoholics" you'll end up by yourself just like your grandma! " " you wouldn't be where you are today if It wasn't for me" "you ruined my life" "I took care of you and stood by you when you needed someone" "there's someone else I know it you are a liar" " I am going to ruin you at work" "I hope you lose your job" "shut up you little bitch"
"we are still married I don't care I'm not going away" " I gave my life to you and you broke my heart" " even after eveything you did to me I still love you" " you better call me back or you will regret it" "I hate you" "if you don't call me I'm coming over there right now" "I'm coming over and you'll regret it"

It's all talk. I hope. Surely. The good news is the least of my problems is not having sex. Its being harassed by ex. Hmmm maybe I'll find a big burly tough man to scare him away.
I must to add (because he kept yelling it over and over) "hell is coming!!" "oh you think you had it bad before? just Wait!! Hell is coming!" Obviously a romantic plea for me to come back, what was I thinking? I should run back immediately, right? What girl can resist such a wonderful man ?!?!!?

how?

how do you break it off with a person you've been with for so many years? I've tried, we've been divorced since last june! 5 days before our 23rd anniversary. I served him papers while he was in the hospital, did that not speak volumes to him!?  I tried doing the couples counseling. I tried "dating". It's too hard doing the back and forth thing so I cancelled our therapy last week after he showed his old self again. I can't go back and forth it's not fair to him or me. I can't have him playing the kids and i against each other. i can't hear him say how much he wants us to be a family and then disown our daughter the next day. I will not take the sole blame he likes to dole out for breaking up our family. He asked just a little bit ago "so you don't want to be a family anymore. that's fine. I will just tell the kids that what you said" 

why would someone do that? He wants me to take back the fact that I don't want to be with him. When we are together i feel physically ill. I am not comfortable. My throat gets tight, my eyes burn, i feel like screaming.i'm tense and my neck hurts. I 'm jittery and very quiet when he is around. I can't assemble thoughts. I just want to retreat. I feel so much better without him being around confusing me. 

he says he's never giving up. Not in a threatening way, just in a defeated sort of way. 
on paper it sounds romantic, in real life it's depressing

what did i do with my extra day off

I had the day off by surprise. Sometimes it's not so busy at work and I got to stay home today. I had a killer schedule ahead of me so the extra day off at the beginning of a long stretch of work was appreciated. I got a little extra time with my son this morning too. The thing is, I am usually at work when he leaves for the week. this morning I sent him off just like i have all week long but then I had the whole day to think about the whole sad situation. I am relieved however when I think of how much worse things used to be and I am trying to be encouraged by the future. I have so many things left to experience, if I can just get over these few last things and not allow myself to wallow in my depression. Life is good and the year will be good. I just get down a little sometimes.

So, my oldest daughter was home. She had no work no school and my brother is fixing her car right now. She needed a few things so I had a purpose today and some company that kept things bright and kept me busy.

We started to attack the storage unit. I am going to sell my bed. It's very nice. I saved and stalked it for a solid year before purchasing it. I recovered from my hip surgery in it. Took comfort there when I was sad, scared, and tired. The was a bit of fun too but at the end things were just weird and unhappy, sex was a band-aid, a temporary distraction, a mask of the issues that were left not addressed. It is elusive at the moment. Something I think I should forget completely about but still I wished I had that option at the moment. (Better off doing that alone also. Transitioning that to real life is dangerous, frightening, exciting, is it a want or a need? i need to forget)

So I fill my Saturn Outlook with as much shit as I can. I assess all the items. Some things are extremely sentimental. a few notes and pictures. a few things the girls want to keep. My daughter will not let me throw away the cowboy hat, i did sneak the mickey mouse overalls into the Goodwill pile. she wants to keep the boombox from 1996 that my ex bought me when i was recovering from my hernia repair. the cd player no longer works and the antenna is broken. I had this other under counter cd/radio/clock in my old house i hope they'll at least give me $5 for at the pawn shop. A few worthless pictures along with boxes and boxes of worthless things. many of these "things" were Christmas presents I've been storing for at least two years. I am looking at one of these "items" Someone had to think the concept up for making this item. Someone had to organize and manufacture this item and market it. Someone had to stock this and sell it or in the case of this particular item, it didn't sell so good so it was marked down and sold for a fraction of the price. That's where the gift part comes in. A family member drove around seeking out these bargains and gifted it to one of us. Every year for as long as I was married all five of us would get such items. It's thoughtful and always wrapped up with love. I must sound ungrateful. When I think of all of the waste from the time and effort of the makers to the purchaser to the user, which it was never used, all to be thrown in the trash. What purpose did this serve? It's useless. Frivolous and now it's filling up a storage unit which costs me $140/month.

I am going through all of this little by little. Selling donating and moving the things I can't do without. It's not a complete waste, i found a dust ruffle and put it under my mattress. I found my Thunder hoodie and beanie!!! I found my warm clothes and started to cry because I had never intended to be here this long. I'm also crying because I'm looking at moving. It's nothing I have to do, I just should before too much time passes. I hate moving and I vow that I will not own so many things that I have to separate and move anything I am not using. There are the sentimental things but I choose those carefully. I'm certain there's mold in the walls, I need to get used to making a mortgage payment again(this time one that I can handle) and I need to feel at home again somewhere. My son needs me to live in his school district and i can't tell you how much money i spend on gas driving back and forth to his school on the weeks he's with me.

All of this crap I'm going through. i feel like i should be done with it. When I moved out of the big house I really got rid of so much stuff. What is all of this crap that's still left? It's a visual representation of the purging of bad things inside me. It's a process i suppose. I just want to be clean, organized, free from the trash and rubble, and minimalist. I do not want to be owned by my possessions any more.

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Previous Posts
my vortex experience, posted November 12th, 2013, 1 comment
number 95, posted September 28th, 2013
i hate him i hate him i hate him, posted August 23rd, 2013, 1 comment
More schtuff, posted August 14th, 2013, 1 comment
The heart of the matter..., posted July 24th, 2013
shopping trip, i felt like a rock star, posted July 19th, 2013, 1 comment
test time, posted July 7th, 2013, 1 comment
shocked...but then again...not really that surprised, posted June 16th, 2013, 1 comment
indulge me, posted June 11th, 2013, 1 comment
I shouldn't write tonight, posted May 29th, 2013, 1 comment
Let's Go Thunder!!!, posted April 27th, 2013
overwhelmed, posted April 2nd, 2013
I have 2 experiences I wish to share, posted March 13th, 2013
happy st pats!!! or life is good, posted March 11th, 2013, 1 comment
here i am again, posted February 25th, 2013
Feb 13, posted February 13th, 2013
accomplishments?, posted January 25th, 2013
Maybe I'm a little scared, posted January 21st, 2013
how?, posted January 21st, 2013, 3 comments
what did i do with my extra day off, posted January 18th, 2013
2013 random thoughts so far, posted January 7th, 2013
Tying up loose ends, posted January 3rd, 2013
My son, posted December 20th, 2012
Sometimes I don't understand, posted December 14th, 2012
I'm such an effing cry baby, posted December 10th, 2012
it aint easy being green, posted December 5th, 2012
why is everything a fight?, posted December 4th, 2012
I am beat!!, posted November 30th, 2012
old lady in a jazzy chair fites crime, posted November 26th, 2012
"The girls are all right" or " What I am thankful for this Thanksgiving", posted November 22nd, 2012
My birthday, posted November 17th, 2012
happy halloween or 10 candy wrappers and bowl of candy or wah wah, posted October 31st, 2012
Just fine by me, posted October 18th, 2012
today was a beautiful day, posted October 16th, 2012, 1 comment
Yea...that's great...really, posted October 11th, 2012, 1 comment
this day, posted September 26th, 2012, 1 comment
Ijustneed2getmyassback2thecar, posted September 13th, 2012
Great day, posted September 10th, 2012, 1 comment
I should want to reconcile...., posted September 6th, 2012, 1 comment
just a nice visit for labor day..., posted September 3rd, 2012
every other week, posted August 30th, 2012, 2 comments
just one of those days, posted August 29th, 2012
If i won the lottery...., posted August 27th, 2012
I want to know what it's like where you live....., posted August 23rd, 2012, 4 comments
unexpected....., posted August 22nd, 2012
Had a beer with my Dad last night..., posted August 20th, 2012, 2 comments
She leaves tomorrow....where was she last night?, posted August 17th, 2012
stuck for 6 weeks in front of the tv, posted August 16th, 2012
just dinner, right?, posted August 15th, 2012
The last time..., posted August 13th, 2012
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