ijustneed2talk's Blog

Playoff time! I have so many very good memories. I lost the season tickets after I broke my hip but I have the fondest memories of going to the Thunder's very first playoff game against the Lakers. We didn't have a chance and knew it but everyone showed up and it was louder than ever if that was even possible. Everyone smiled more, cheered more, and drank more. It was one of the most fun things I've done. I'm still watching and cheering but from my comfy free seat at home. Russell Westbrook has played every game since the Thunder franchise began and hasn't missed playing in a game for over 400 games. He's hurt and it looks like he won't play the rest of the season.
It's a sad turn of events but I'm certain that other players will step up and they have a good chance of making it to the Finals. Russell will certainly be missed.

I'm not sure what the weather is like everywhere else but it's anything but boring here. I predicted the sun would come out yesterday around sunset and I was right. I should've been a meteorologist. I would NEVER take that job here, it's too unpredictable. I love today, cloudy a little wet and a mild breeze with a chill in the air. It was perfect weather to get out for a run.

I only walked today. i'm doing a runkeeper app to improve my 5K time so I will be able actually run the whole time instead of jog/walk. I'm slowly improving and yesterday my best ever 30 minutes for 2.5 miles!! I know it's slow but it felt pretty good. So today was an easy 50 minute walk with Gracie the dog. She needed it just as much as I did. My mood was elevated and I took good deep breaths and enjoyed listening to my ipod. I enjoyed every single song, it was just one of those days when everything i listened to sounded good.

I've had off since Thursday and for the first time feel relaxed. I don't feel rushed to do anything and I'm slowly but surely getting things organized in my new home. Far from finished but I'm taking it a piece at a time. I'm trying to pay attention and enjoy the ride. :)

I took care of my Grandma after she had a surgery on Thursday. It was a quick minor thing on her arm but she stayed at my house and was able to stay comfy and recoup. My mother had taken off work to help take care of her but ended up being really sick with a toothache and looked worse than grandma. It forced me to chill out a little bit and I had a great visit with my grandma. We were watching the Today show yesterday morning and Willard Scott was announcing all the 100 year old bdays. My Grandma said to me, "just think, in 19 short years that could be me!" I'm sure she'll outlive us all. She got up the day after her surgery and fixed her hair and put on make up and convinced my mom she could drive herself home. She stopped along the way and bought some flowers to plant on the way home. Did I mention she has a splint that goes from her wrist to her elbow? No worries! All her fingers have full mobility above the splint. Nothing will slow her down.

I miss EP...not sure if it misses me but today I'm overwhelmed, so I will escape here for a little bit. There are way too many things going on at the same time in my life, but it's good. I'd much rather be busy than have tons of idle time on my hands. I am attempting at getting financially fit and physically fit. I am constantly struggling with being emotionally and spiritually fit but that's a journey and it's manageable as long as I remember to keep in touch with God. And then there's that other thing...I should probably find a boyfriend, I am sort of lonely. The thing in a box under my bed provides a great release but it would be nice to have a guy come around every once in awhile.

Yesterday I was exhausted and called in sick. My intention was to take my daughter to breakfast before she headed back to school and maybe get my garage cleaned up and study for a class I have coming up. Instead, I napped...well...all day. I read a little bit and watched a movie with my daughter. The weather was so nice it would have been great to go jog, but i did call in sick after all. i suppose i needed rest.

Today, it's really cold and has been pouring down rain all morning. I have a moat around my house it seems, but good news, no standing water right up against it. Oh man...so the reason I'm so busy is I am all moved in. It truly feels like home but there is still so much to do. I tend to look at it all at the same time and feel defeated very quickly(probably contributed to my daylong nap yesterday). I also get distracted pretty quickly so there are several partially finished things. This morning I'm refreshed and ready for the day. I almost retreated to nap time again but instead made a list of everything to do room by room and can now think about it more clearly in little pieces.

I really do love it here and feel very blessed. Gracie the dog loves being across the street from the track and we've already gone for several trips. It's lovely. There is still a lot of work, but It's good to be busy. :)

Spring is springing soon and i will eventually dishevel all of the dishevelment around me. :) Happy Spring everyone!!

I will only share one today because it is the one on my mind the  most. The second is always on my mind too and more fun. 
I think i've shared that my son is 11. He's been smack in the middle of this whole divorce thing. I've tried my best to remain neutral around him, not pressure him, not speak poorly of his dad. I find it really irritating that ex has chosen to clean up his act. I should be happy and supportive and stand by my man, but I spent too many years as his enabler and when I decided to remove myself from the merry go round well let me just say I had my share of spinning in circles and no longer wish to get back on. Ex is really good at talking people into doing things they want to do but mostly he is persistent. I am glad he's cleaned up his act and decided to be a father. It angers me that he chose to do this after i left. I've talked to enough men that were raised by single mom's to know that they would have appreciated a man in their life to teach them "man" things. I cannot show him how to drill holes, or electrical wiring, i cannot appreciate cars the way he does and I can only give him the female perspective on sex, important yes but not necessarily something you want to discuss with your mom. There are things i can do that he needs, love support affection, teach him how women should be treated, how not to be racist, how to do the right thing. My point is he needs both of us.

Ex keeps saying that 'I chose this" well no i really didn't. I would have preferred for him to clean up his act and not be such an ahole to me before i left. I tried to make our marriage work after my "affair" but he never forgave me and never let me forget what a whore I am. Nothing I did was good enough., He chose not to forgive me, he chose to take pills, he chose to abuse me, and what i did chose was not to be abused anymore and for our kids to not see our toxic behavior displayed as normal family problems. 

He is not a bad person. He's cleaned up he has a cute house and a cute dog and my sons room is fixed up perfect. I will close on my house on friday and i have Gracie the dog, my friend and companion. He is still convincing and persistent and has nothing to lose and a lawyer on retainer. My son is excited about me getting a house. However, he told me last night that he wants to live with his dad. He started to cry and I just held him and told him it was okay. I thanked him for being honest and told him that there would never be anything he could do that would make me stop loving him. I think he's being pressured by his dad to make a decision and I question how reasonable it is to allow an 11 year old to decide such things. So I just try to stay calm, put this in Gods hands and prepare as best as I can. 

Well yesterday I think i mentioned faith and praising God no matter the circumstances. Here I am being put to the test. God already knows the outcome, and there is a great deal of comfort in that. I know He is in control and will give me what I need when i need it. I do have faith. i would be lying if i said i wasn't sad that i wasn't chosen. I hope that time will show my son why i can't be with his dad anymore. I hope my son doesn't believe the lies that are told him by his dad and family. His sisters will tell him one day what it's all about. Maybe he will ask, maybe not until my funeral. I'm not sure. 

I am not taking this lying down. i'm just gonna stay calm for now. I really really really do not want to pay another lawyer another dime!!!!!!!1


Okay the next story will be much better and on a WAY different note than this one. I'm just feeling a little too rejected at the moment. mer.....

Life is good...life is busy. I ran my first 5k on sunday in a ST. pats themed race around a nice area of town. It was sooo cold and windy, today would've been a better day for the run. The wind was killer, the hills were kinda fun, the view was city sites, but really neat. I find it really cool to run around places that I usually have to drive.  I am still slow but it was 2 years ago today that I last participated in a run and that one ended not so great. My hip fell apart and something else changed inside me too since introducing the presence of three stainless steel screws into my left femoral neck. I am lonely but not really alone. I realized about a month into my recovery that i was already doing so many things by myself that I didn't need to put up with the bullshit anymore. There are parts of me that feel tons of shame and guilt. I don't feel worthy of all the blessings around me. I know that's crap. I fight feeling this way. There have been so many changes in my life in the past six months and just as I was settling down, things are in chaos once again, but now in a very good way. It surprises me how things come together when you are least expecting it. I am more surprised at  how many feelings one person can experience all at the same time. I am moving and also, the biggest challenge yet, I am truly moving on. I am ready to take whatever challenges life gives me, by myself. I am excited about living life. I am acutely aware that I am not truly ever alone. There is a higher power at work for my good. (Romans 8:28). I am glad that He is because I just mess it all up anyways.
So I continue onward, ready and not ready for this big move. I ran the race and did all right, and for all my hard work I got a green beer and a banana at the end. Ahhh...life is good.

Here i am again, writing about a day that didn't go as planned. I finally just stayed in. The uncertainty of the weather here breaks monotony but can be annoying. I do believe I made the most of the morning. Hopefully the west blizzards stay out there and it was all just a loud false alarm.( Terribly disruptive but a drill is always much preferable than an actual disaster...duh). 

Ive been doing a lot of planning and writing it down. It feels like too much talk and not enough action. I'm told it's effective and for all my hard work in the past I haven't really got much to show for it. 

Good news:

My mom turned 65 this weekend. To celebrate, my grandmother, took us to a very nice steak restaurant. My son got to go too. We had a 7pm reservation. What a treat! I felt like a queen and my mother was very happy with the whole thing. My grandmother is a bit of a foodie and has been to many places twice as nice as this one but even she was impressed with the place. My grandmother has provided me with a handful of eclectic dining experiences but it has been quite some time since I'd been treated by her. I had almost forgotten, it has been since I was my sons age that I had eaten this fine with her. Nice wine, two waiters, a lobster appetizer in a cute little dish, a salad that was a flavorful vacation, and a wonderful cut of steak done perfectly (it was just the right temperature hot enough to make your mouth uncomfortable but not to burn), even my sons steak fries were not your local bar's steak fries. For after dinner, we had creme brulee and coffees. My grandmother had cavasier (which made me giggle thinking of the SNL guy Leon Phelps as the Ladies man) and was served in an impressive glass and my grandmother said it was VERY alcoholic. My grandmother is a lovely woman, very elegant and dainty but that woman has had her share of alcohol in her life and if she thought it was strong, i didn't dare sniff it for fear of severe intoxication.
Our table was standard but there were these little round, intimate tables in a cove like setting. It would be a perfect special date night. The lighting was perfect. There are plenty of hotels nearby too to have a complete romantic evening. 
I had fun watching my son experience this for the first time. I had to argue with him to put on jeans and a nice Nike jacket. When we got there however he said, "I think I needed to rent a tuxedo to come to this place!" He made me proud, opening the doors for his grandmothers, tasting everything at the table, and not complaining when he didn't like his $20 chicken(the least expensive thing on the menu). He just ate some of it and pleasantly talked to all of us. The funniest thing was when he went to the bathroom. He came back and quietly said, " The urinals have a tv screen over them! This place is very nice!" He was so pleasant and gentlemanly. He stood up taller, didn't slouch and his chest was puffed out. He wasn't boisterous or fidgety. Everything was nice. The bill?I'm glad it wasn't on me.

Geez what a weird week so far. I kept the positive feeling I had all weekend with me through Monday. Somehow it all fell apart after the staff meeting monday morning. I went from this great joyous feeling to great pressure in a matter of hours. It got really busy really quickly. I did my best but holy cow!! I made it through the day though and despite the circumstances I had this overwhelming compassion patience and strength that came from somewhere beyond me, thanks God. However, to say the least, by the end of the day I was spent. I hadn't had anything to eat all day and I hadn't sat down until after 7:30 to chart. This rarely happens to me anymore and I do not intend for it happen many more times. It was a runaway train day. 

        I picked up my son at 8:30, who enjoys his grandparents, but my mother who is also a nurse, had a similar day and got home really late. There is only so much HGTV an 11 year old can watch with his grandpa. He's got something going on at school with friends that he only partially discloses. It concerns me but I know this is something he has to go through and figure out on his own. I don't pry but encourage him to talk and I dont react, I just listen. 

     So I went home. It took me awhile to unwind but finally slept like I'd died. I woke up physically sore and tired but awake and clear, ready for my busy day off. I had scheduled home inspections for the house. I ran the treadmill, showered and packed my bag of stuff for the day before 7:30. Then, the rain started and there were reports of snow. Nothing else worked out for the day quite like i had planned. The rain poured and soon forced a reschedule of inspections, my trip to Starbucks to get organized were thwarted by the influx of sudden coffee drinkers due to the weather. So I headed to my dads and watched as the rain changed to giant snowflakes. I was forced me to sit down for a sec. I really accomplished nothing yesterday except I was able to make cookies for my daughters ministry. She was very happy about this. I hope I don't make the poor recipients of these cookies sick. 

       One terrible thing happened yesterday. Ex started in on me again and showed up as I was picking up my son from school. He keeps asking the same questions, still insistent on us getting back together. What exactly does it take for one to move on?

One thing I know without a doubt, anytime he is near it leaves me unsettled and disturbed. Yes we had happy times that got me through many terrible times but eventually thats not enough. It pisses me off that he trivializes the reasons I left as "normal things every couple goes through" . His constant questions and pushing and pressure and badgering me does nothing to convince me that he's changed or that things will be different. Also his disregard to our son when he gets like this. Doesn't he realize he's only proving to our son that it's terrible for us to be together? 

      Something occurred to me this morning. I realized I am no longer the victim but I am the one inflicting the pain. It's not necessarily a good feeling either. It's difficult to describe properly. I feel bad about what he's going through but not THAT bad. Certainly not bad enough to make it at the expense of myself. 

After having most of the week off I am having trouble getting motivated after only one day of work

Yay first whole weekend off in a long time
meh... my last weekend bonus paycheck and it has OT on it. oh well i was blowing it all anyways
yay...tax refund pending .....anticipation
meh...it took me forever to figure out bills and get them paid
yay...i have plenty of money
meh...I have to buy groceries...the kids expect to eat
yay....my son comes home today

I'm looking at house in a couple of hours. I'm not sure why but it doesn't take long and I'll be in the area.

This sticking to not getting back together is what I want but it's a wee bit scary. I understand now why I just wanted to keep it friendly. I still dont mind keeping it friendly but I am SO over doing things to pacify him. He is hardly pacified tonight . He as pulled out all the old standbys"your family is just a bunch of bipolar alcoholics" you'll end up by yourself just like your grandma! " " you wouldn't be where you are today if It wasn't for me" "you ruined my life" "I took care of you and stood by you when you needed someone" "there's someone else I know it you are a liar" " I am going to ruin you at work" "I hope you lose your job" "shut up you little bitch"
"we are still married I don't care I'm not going away" " I gave my life to you and you broke my heart" " even after eveything you did to me I still love you" " you better call me back or you will regret it" "I hate you" "if you don't call me I'm coming over there right now" "I'm coming over and you'll regret it"

It's all talk. I hope. Surely. The good news is the least of my problems is not having sex. Its being harassed by ex. Hmmm maybe I'll find a big burly tough man to scare him away.
I must to add (because he kept yelling it over and over) "hell is coming!!" "oh you think you had it bad before? just Wait!! Hell is coming!" Obviously a romantic plea for me to come back, what was I thinking? I should run back immediately, right? What girl can resist such a wonderful man ?!?!!?

how do you break it off with a person you've been with for so many years? I've tried, we've been divorced since last june! 5 days before our 23rd anniversary. I served him papers while he was in the hospital, did that not speak volumes to him!?  I tried doing the couples counseling. I tried "dating". It's too hard doing the back and forth thing so I cancelled our therapy last week after he showed his old self again. I can't go back and forth it's not fair to him or me. I can't have him playing the kids and i against each other. i can't hear him say how much he wants us to be a family and then disown our daughter the next day. I will not take the sole blame he likes to dole out for breaking up our family. He asked just a little bit ago "so you don't want to be a family anymore. that's fine. I will just tell the kids that what you said" 

why would someone do that? He wants me to take back the fact that I don't want to be with him. When we are together i feel physically ill. I am not comfortable. My throat gets tight, my eyes burn, i feel like screaming.i'm tense and my neck hurts. I 'm jittery and very quiet when he is around. I can't assemble thoughts. I just want to retreat. I feel so much better without him being around confusing me. 

he says he's never giving up. Not in a threatening way, just in a defeated sort of way. 
on paper it sounds romantic, in real life it's depressing

I had the day off by surprise. Sometimes it's not so busy at work and I got to stay home today. I had a killer schedule ahead of me so the extra day off at the beginning of a long stretch of work was appreciated. I got a little extra time with my son this morning too. The thing is, I am usually at work when he leaves for the week. this morning I sent him off just like i have all week long but then I had the whole day to think about the whole sad situation. I am relieved however when I think of how much worse things used to be and I am trying to be encouraged by the future. I have so many things left to experience, if I can just get over these few last things and not allow myself to wallow in my depression. Life is good and the year will be good. I just get down a little sometimes.

So, my oldest daughter was home. She had no work no school and my brother is fixing her car right now. She needed a few things so I had a purpose today and some company that kept things bright and kept me busy.

We started to attack the storage unit. I am going to sell my bed. It's very nice. I saved and stalked it for a solid year before purchasing it. I recovered from my hip surgery in it. Took comfort there when I was sad, scared, and tired. The was a bit of fun too but at the end things were just weird and unhappy, sex was a band-aid, a temporary distraction, a mask of the issues that were left not addressed. It is elusive at the moment. Something I think I should forget completely about but still I wished I had that option at the moment. (Better off doing that alone also. Transitioning that to real life is dangerous, frightening, exciting, is it a want or a need? i need to forget)

So I fill my Saturn Outlook with as much shit as I can. I assess all the items. Some things are extremely sentimental. a few notes and pictures. a few things the girls want to keep. My daughter will not let me throw away the cowboy hat, i did sneak the mickey mouse overalls into the Goodwill pile. she wants to keep the boombox from 1996 that my ex bought me when i was recovering from my hernia repair. the cd player no longer works and the antenna is broken. I had this other under counter cd/radio/clock in my old house i hope they'll at least give me $5 for at the pawn shop. A few worthless pictures along with boxes and boxes of worthless things. many of these "things" were Christmas presents I've been storing for at least two years. I am looking at one of these "items" Someone had to think the concept up for making this item. Someone had to organize and manufacture this item and market it. Someone had to stock this and sell it or in the case of this particular item, it didn't sell so good so it was marked down and sold for a fraction of the price. That's where the gift part comes in. A family member drove around seeking out these bargains and gifted it to one of us. Every year for as long as I was married all five of us would get such items. It's thoughtful and always wrapped up with love. I must sound ungrateful. When I think of all of the waste from the time and effort of the makers to the purchaser to the user, which it was never used, all to be thrown in the trash. What purpose did this serve? It's useless. Frivolous and now it's filling up a storage unit which costs me $140/month.

I am going through all of this little by little. Selling donating and moving the things I can't do without. It's not a complete waste, i found a dust ruffle and put it under my mattress. I found my Thunder hoodie and beanie!!! I found my warm clothes and started to cry because I had never intended to be here this long. I'm also crying because I'm looking at moving. It's nothing I have to do, I just should before too much time passes. I hate moving and I vow that I will not own so many things that I have to separate and move anything I am not using. There are the sentimental things but I choose those carefully. I'm certain there's mold in the walls, I need to get used to making a mortgage payment again(this time one that I can handle) and I need to feel at home again somewhere. My son needs me to live in his school district and i can't tell you how much money i spend on gas driving back and forth to his school on the weeks he's with me.

All of this crap I'm going through. i feel like i should be done with it. When I moved out of the big house I really got rid of so much stuff. What is all of this crap that's still left? It's a visual representation of the purging of bad things inside me. It's a process i suppose. I just want to be clean, organized, free from the trash and rubble, and minimalist. I do not want to be owned by my possessions any more.

so far so good

I haven't voiced any goals and I'm not going to but as I randomly review last year in my head I am beginning to formulate a general direction that I would like the year to go. I have had seven days to get a "feel for the new year". Some of my goals are a continuation of last years but I find myself with a few new ones. 

I am running the 10K this march that finally snapped my hip 2 years ago. I've been treated for osteoporosis and my left hip is healed, actually it feels better than the right one. Wouldnt it be ultimate irony if the right one went this time? hehehehe....seriously depending on this goes i will at least walk the memorial half marathon. (or maybe I will just hand out water to the weary participants). the beginning of the marathon starts at the bombing memorial and it's such an emotional wonderful thing to watch. I want to actually do it. but....gotta see what my body will let me do. 

Health goals as usual: limit sugar, limit  fast food (except the occasional pizza and long john silvers) get 6 hours of sleep each night, keeping walk/jogging on my days off and maybe add in a  little variety to my workout. 

Be open to a community service project. Be active in my church now that I'm almost finished with my weekend contract.

Go out on a date. A real date with a man. Maybe sample the local places to obtain steak and formulate an opinion of which one is the best in my area. At least act like I'm divorced. 

Save every penny, limit my cash output and keep it like a greedy miser so I can pay down my credit card and buy a house in my sons school district. No more splurges till this is accomplished

I'm going back to a regular schedule, there is an overtime contract, but i need to get used to my regular pay check. I've made more extra doing this weekend pay thing than some people make in their regular jobs and i have little to show for it. I have paid down a little debt, i have a $500 emergency credit with my lawyer(fucker), and I have two new 65,000 mile tires(yes i paid 2 much and i need 2 more soon) I have also been on two wonderful vacations(great memories!!) so once I get back to stable finances...forgot about taxes too. ...I make a good paycheck and i should be able to live fairly comfortably. I'm in a pretty sweet situation, not a great neighborhood, but my therapist told me something encouraging. She pointed out that I don't have to live where i do, but it makes life more simple for the moment while i figure things out. I have resources if it becomes an issue but i'm trying to exercise a bit of patience and mourn some losses. I miss my old house so much. I miss the landscape, the comfort, the beauty of it, the jetta tub! I miss that my sons best friend was in the cul-de-sac, that I loved my neighbors that lived next door. I will never have a house that big again. i really couldn't keep up with it very well and so i look forward to a smaller place more affordable that I can really do up right. What I gain is happiness with my situation, the ability to do what i want because i'm not using every last penny to make my mortgage. 

Since last Christmas I realized what I truly appreciate is the experience of Christmas, I cannot tell you a single gift I got for the last few years. So Last year I didn't buy gifts at all, i was too stressed emotional and financially but i had some great times with the kids. i didn't get to repeat those this year but found another really special experience with the kids that we will talk about forever. I got them a couple gifts but they are the only ones. We just had a very nice evening together. I connected with a few other family members and was snowed in with my parents and we had a good time. So that translates into life also. I'm going to focus on experiences like vacations, i remember so many happy things from vacations past. My birthday this year was awesome. I do like to receive gifts but more than anything just give me your time and attention, and i will do the same

As part of tidying up loose ends for the year, i went to close out an account at a bank I've been a member of since I was a kid. It used to be my main account where my checks were direct Deposited to when I was married. When I first separated from my ex husband last year I kept it open and his checks were also deposited there. We had agreed that I would pay out bills out of this account until we figured things out and he could take the other small account where we attempted to save money but usually spent it on things to have fun. This worked out for about 2 weeks and then he withdrew a bunch of $$ leaving me scrambling to make our house payment. I quickly opened up my own account and only used this one because our life insurances auto withdrew from here. So like a fool I've been paying his life insurance until yesterday. I was the beneficiary but it was really senseless and really time to just move on. 

So yesterday as I left the bank for the last time I had memories of the times we were there together conducting one sort of business or the other. Car loans (oh we loved buying cars) and deposits and withdrawals. We were simply a young couple just trying to make ends meet one way or the other. I got $41.41 for all my troubles. My son said "is that all?"
My feelings exactly. I actually think that's the amount i took to open the account . We are going today to open his first savings account. 

I really think this is the last detail financially left to handle to separate us. He is no longer the beneficiary on my policy. Wished it was as simple to get him out of my head. It's not that I want him back but old habits die hard. It's easy to be softened up or feel guilty about how I left. Then again I'm certain there will be another slap of reality pretty soon when it comes time to file taxes. We are alternating years claiming our son as a deduction. I'm just waiting for my w2 to be available and file first. It's my year but I wouldn't put it past him to "accidentally" claim him and force me to get the lawyer involved (more $$$-i hate paying him). I have to be careful. I called the mortgage company to update the address so I would get the tax statement and that fucker had changed it to his parents address after I sold the house back in June even though he contributed $0.00 to paying the mortgage last year. He says he wants me back and then pulls shit like this!! 

I am ready to move on with my life WITHOUT him but then I look at my little boy who is no longer so little. I wonder what I've done. What will he think? What does he think? He really seems okay with it all. I'm certain time will reveal how this has truly affected him. I struggled through with ex for too many unhappy years .  I put a happy face on it but my daughters saw the problems and it really didn't do them any favors. They are so happy I left. They are also very distrusting of men and haven't sustained a relationship past a couple of months . No need for that right now though and better for them to focus on acting like very young adults and figuring out themselves and their lives first before getting seriously involved with someone. 

I realize now my errors. I find myself doing some things now at 43 that I should've been doing at 21. Instead of raising a kid, finishing school and starting a career at the same time I should've been having fun, figuring out what I like and don't like. Experience how to relate to people as friends, socially and sexually. I don't have regrets, I know it sounds that way but I do acknowledge a bit of what went wrong. I was in such a hurry to be a grown up and I finally felt like one when I had 2 kids 2 car payments 2 mortgages and 2 dogs at age 27. 

So now at 43 -divorced -3 kids- one car payment(and the ghosts of 2 cars past rolled into my current loan) -no mortgage -and trying to balance my own fiscal cliff, I realize I don't know what I like. I ran across a getting to know your partner quiz and I found that  not only could I not answer the questions about my former spouse but I couldn't even answer the questions for myself. 

My kids went Christmas shopping with their cousins the other night. Age range 21-11. My nephew is 20 my son is 11 and thinks he is larger than life. My nephew was not 1st string but he Played football all during high school. He is in really good shape, he is kind quiet and shy. He is so sweet with my son. Well after their visit my son was looking up on the Internet "how to have a six pack". He started to do crunches and then asked what was cardio exercise and he mispronounced aerobic. It was really cute and at the same time a relief that he wants to get up and do something athletic instead of sit in front of his Xbox. I assured him that his weight was fine and that if he wanted to look more athletic to join a sport like his cousin did and maybe not go to McDonald's so much. I also suggested water instead of soda. He seemed agreeable to it and it's all things I've suggested before. Do you know how difficult it is to resist taking him for fast food. It's so abundant and he'd be happy to eat it for all meals. I'm glad to see him motivated to be healthier but at the same time it's a bit disturbing to hear him say that he thinks he's fat at age 11. Especially when he's at a normal weight. I tried not to make too big of a deal over it and take advantage of that body image awareness to encourage him to take good care of himself. Last but not least I got a clue about why he might be so concerned with his appearance. Her name is Sydney... Or that's what the text said. Oh geez!!

We all saw what happened today. My heart breaks for everyone. Throughout the day I've heard from all the important people in my life. I got a text from my daughter away at college. Doesnt matter their age they are always our babies. She wrote:
Hey mama... I'm sure you heard about the deal in Connecticut but I just wanted to let you know I love you and can't imagine being a kindergartener and be taken away from my mom.. it's a terrible thing to think about but I just wanted to let you know that I love you..

I missed answering my phone when the nurse called from the doctors office. Only 3 minutes had passed from the time she left the message to the time I called back. So important news that was too time consuming or no big deal and she gets back with me in the morning. Hmmmm. I will have to see. It was irritating, i cried.

Out shopping and the thought of buying presents was just overwhelming. i spent so much effort and stress in the past on this. I like material things but i hate materialism. I am uncertain how much emphasis to place on an object that will not be around by next year. i feel so defeated at the exercise of shopping for it all. I don't want a present and i am not giving you a present. I don't want to wish my life away but I just want the holiday to pass. I should work for someone but I just want to be. I have no plans. i don't want to make plans. I just want to pass some pleasant time with  my kids and maybe have some wine with my parents. I'm just silently crying as I walk the aisles of walmart. 
(being there is reason enuf to cry...but i needed stuff)

I went about my day doing things. taking care of stuff. At various times, the tears ,wtf?

finally, i went out to starbucks with my daughter. She talked me into it. halfway through my cup...i thought oh that's what was going on. she is a regular regular there. They all know her name. her own personal CHeers. I visited with a dude whom she has befriended. He is thinking about becoming a nurse. I got to sell it. i got to talk about why i love it so much. He would be perfect. He has a useless expensive degree and can do a fasttrack program. I am always thrilled to talk about my job. 

then the message popped up on the iphone. "will you remarry me on 12/12/12?" I choked back the tears but baby girl knew something was wrong. I made my way to the bathroom and then ....wtf ...the tears

I am very sick today. Gracie the dog has taken the opportunity to go outside 20 times this morning and play the game' bark I want to get in then run away from the door. 
It's a strange mixture of weather but it's warm. The weather nerds are all predicting icy weather by sunday evening. Maybe it will feel like december finally. I am not looking forward to ice and snow but I'm running both the air and the heater at times. 
All I know is the other night, i poured some Bailey's into my coffee cup and decorated the christmas tree in my tank top. 

Every time I address the need for my son to shower or brush his teeth he argues about it. I am not sure why. A few things have worked. I take away stuff, I yell, i bitch, i bribe. He argues every time until I really hurt his feelings and then he just does it. He spends more time arguing his way out of it than it would take to actually just take a shower or brush his teeth. He wants braces I am not doing it! He cannot keep his mouth clean. When i see that he does it consistently, I might consider it. 
What drives me even crazier is that he lies about it! We live in an 800 square foot house. IT is obvious that he hasn't cleaned himself.The shower is on for less than a minute, he has a little water in his hair and he stills smells. Its obvious he has not showered. Yet he still tries to convince me that he's done it.

He comes home to me on a Friday, I work through Sunday. I usually just give him a break on the weekend. Then come Monday, he tries to talk his way out. I try reason nicely and stay calm. I refuse to engage him in an argument. We argue anyways and he half asses it. If I can set him up monday night and tell him how it's gonna go Tuesday morning we usually have a good week. But last night we decorated the tree and had fun and fell asleep. So this morning the same excuses. I'll do it tonight i do it in the morning. I don't have time. I don't want to! I finally just lost it and yelled and made him cry. He still refused. I stopped talking to him and he showered and brushed his teeth. I hate when I do it this way. I gave him a kiss and a hug and made him eggs. We talked about how it would go tomorrow morning. He left for school almost over it. We have two more days together before he goes back to his dad's. I hate this.

I've had a full day. I worked my usual 6:45 to 7:15. It was fulfilling and I make decent money and I really love my job. I got to witness 2 little kids who were really sick just as they are turning the corner to get better. I get to help and support young parents stressed out over what will likely be the worst thing that ever happens to them.

It's my pleasure and all but when I'm done I like to go home and relax. Occasionally this doesn't happen. I had to drive to my parents to pickup my son. No big deal just a quick trip down the interstate except on ramp was closed. Road construction what a bitch!! But oh well! I easily figured out how to get around it. I was almost out of gas so I got some and had to go to the grocery store , man these after work errands are getting to me. I get
My son, who I haven't seen in a week and I'm so happy to see him. I just wanna hug and kiss all over him but I settle for him giggling and showing me his 11 year old humor in a cartoon he was drawing. It of course contained the word poop twice. We call his sister and I listen to them banter over the car speaker. It warns my heart. Im almost too tired to do anymore but we gt the groceries in and be starts shouting "mom help I'm gonna drop em!" Then Gracie the dog is going bananas because she finally has some company and as I'm hurrying to get the stuff put away and try to find some thing healthy to put into my tummy, the boy wants me to drop everything and give Gracie a bath because he saw a flea on her and he hates fleas. Well I do too but considering I don't exactly live in a neighborhood where people have their lawns services I imagine she will continue to get them as long As she goes into the backyard. I did however get him to agree to put away some things while I washed her up.

I am beat. I am so tired. I am ready to chill. I should sleep I'm in charge in the morning.

This is one of those days where everything I watch on TV is interesting. Usually I’m up and at em super early in the morning but about all I accomplished this morning was answering some questions and commenting on stories.
 The today show began with cyber Monday deals and shopping opportunities. They reviewed the Thanksgiving evening store opening and the craziness of shoppers as Black Friday ensued a half a day early. With barely a segway to the next topic, the news portion of the show started with the headline discussing the fiscal cliff. I don’t know that I completely understand this but I can give it a great guess just based on what it’s being called. I imagine this point of no return as we all spend our way over the edge with smiles on our faces and shopping bags in hand. (except its our government) Shopping is SO much fun. Paying off my credit card is not but there is a different feeling gained as the gratification is delayed. It’s a wonderful feeling when your balance is below $100 or zero. I absolutely refuse to charge anything on the credit card I have with a zero balance. I wish they were all that way. I’m working on it. I am keeping a positive attitude that the US government is watching this carefully and has a plan to put on the brakes before the point of no return. Or even if we do fall, they will make it look as if we aren't so that we all don't freak out too much. I would love to live in the matrix. 
On to local news, you must read this part for a good laugh.
The local news featured this overweight elderly lady in a motorized chair fighting crime. She noticed some men stealing a TV out of one of her neighbor’s homes. AND SHE CHASED THEM!!!!!  The cops showed up and arrested them. She is really fortunate that somewhere in these criminals’ hearts they had the presence of mind and remorse to not attack an old handicapped lady. She is my new hero! She didn’t let her disability or fear keep her from helping her neighbor out. Maybe this even made an impression in these guys’ lives that they just can’t get away with this stuff anymore. I think it is funny picturing these guys in jail when all the other hardened criminals find out they were caught by an elderly handicapped lady in her jazzy chair. HaHa!! 

Okay so...hmmm...I will warn any male readers that this is a blog about my mammogram this week. So, if you like boobs great, but don't be squeamish about the girl talk. Okay?

It was a couple of years after it was recommended but I finally did it this year. I took some vacation time around my birthday and did some fun things but I didn't plan to really do too much so i took care of several appointments I'd been putting off and the mammogram was one of them. 

 I was suprised at myself that I actually spent a good ten minutes worrying and wondering what life would be like if I actually did have breast cancer and had to go through a mastectomy and chemotherapy. I've heard about and applaud so many women every day going through this experience and surviving. I know a couple of women who went on to have children after going through cancer treatment. However when I actually contemplated the possibility for myself it was a little scary. So many things would be taken from me that identify me as well....me. One of them is my breasts. They are large-ish and I like them. And so do some other people. It's a huge (haha Pun) source of pleasure for me and while  they are getting older, they still look good when wearing a proper bra. Still I thought about life without them and well I guess they could be reconstructed, new and improved so to speak, so that could be fixed. (and they would be elevated to the proper height, surgically, eventually). It would be much easier to run  without them and I'm certain it would make me look thinner. 

So then i got to thinking about chemotherapy. My hair. OMG. My hair tells people what sort of a day i'm having. If it's up in a bun or pony I'm either running or working. If it's full and lovely I've had some time on my hands to groom or I want to look nice for you. Most of the time it's fluffy and softly curled, it's just my normal everyday look and I'm relaxed and just getting along with my happy day. I would have absolutely no confidence without it. I hate having a bad hair day and my self esteem takes a huge hit. I become more introverted and can't make eye contact. Strange. I suppose I would have to adapt and would get fun hats and pretty scarves and get used to it. 

So, i had a real hard dose of reality at how much vanity is actually within me. I didn't realize this about myself, or it's not something i really have thought too much about. I also know, as i have administered chemo to my patients, that the side effects are a bitch, very dangerous, and 'oh yea'  you have cancer and might die. I would think I would have a much different perspective if I really had to deal with this.  I'd have more things on my mind than how good i look in a tight shirt or what kind of a hair day i was having. 

I calmed myself down a little and did a self exam and everything felt the same. Oh man they were tender and full! I was dreading getting squished into the machine.  I've heard all the jokes about being squished into the scanner and what ever but I simply couldn't  believe that this is what happens. I had it done at my hospital which is a large medical system and I work on the pediatric side of things so I didn't know anyone there. The techs in the breast care center were not anyone i knew. We have been working on public image throughout the facility and everyone was super nice, so extremely satisfied with the customer service. However, I was shown back to my dressing area. No lock on the door. Really? It was one of those folding pocket type doors. I was given my special mammogown. Fairly functional and kept everything covered, but the temperature was cold when i was fully dressed and became even colder after my bra came off! I was shocked honestly. The only function of this particular area is to scan naked boobies. Keep the temperature up a little. I thought maybe the staff who are actually working might be warm but they all had jackets on. i had to remove my deodorant also. They should've warned us about this, I would've brought my own for afterwards. I had things planned, one of them was a jog. 

The technician was really sweet and had no problems getting me set up. She was professional business like but not gentle nor rough. I don't know I guess I felt like I should've been handled with care better. I held onto this handle with my left arm first and placed my left breast onto the table, then a plastic box shaped holder was placed on top of it and just when i was uncomfortably clamped in, she twisted this handle that made it even tighter. I wasn't standing on my tippy toes but it was stretched upwards just enough to be slightly too high. Then i had to hold my breath. She told me i could breath finally and we waited to make sure the image was acceptable. I had to hold the same position but at least I could breath. no worries though!  if I pass out, that clamp would never have allowed me to fall to the floor. I had this image of my limp body dangling from the breast clamp of the scanner. I was almost reduced to uncontrollable giggles at the thought, but soon was commanded to repeat the process with the right one. Okay I don't think I appear uneven but the right one is definitely bigger than the left. So the same process and i thought it was all over. Oh no! We did each side again in a different view. 

When it was all over, i returned to my dressing room thinking about how much better would have been if they took a spa approach to it. The waiting room could be a calm, low light room with a comfy chair and soft music with some pleasant aroma therapy going. your dressing room would have a locker for your valuables and it would be warmed, with a warm soft mammogown to put on. Your technician would come take you by the arm to your scanner and gently guide through the process. There would be like a spray on deodorant for you to use when you are finished. There could be a tea bar or cucumber water to have to drink when you are finished. If you are still cold you could sit in the sauna until you are warmed up. 

I suppose this is too much to ask and health care already costs too much. It would definitely make me less anxious about coming back in two years for the next one. Oh! The most impressive thing about the whole thing is I already have my results! I sorta question it though because it seems like it was a little too soon to get them but hey it's good news. The girls are all right.